Drinkin’ and Thinkin’

 

Rodin__The_Thinker

I  feel myself dying and I’m not even trying to stop it cause I keep drinking, sitting here thinking how I watched my own mother drown herself slowly and give herself wholly to that Mardi Gras cup with liquid unholy….I remember thinking as I grew up that I would never drink from that cup of shame and demise; pregnant with lies….That cup made me hate her cause it kept her disguised and life is ironic cause now I’m my mother and I feel so demonic as the Mardi Gras cup, I mentioned before, stays in my hand as I walk out the door and I can hear daddy’s words ring in my head with one foot on the floor as I’m laying in bed…you’re worthless as shit, if you had a brain you’d be dangerous.  Your head is a hat-rack and I know you’ll be famous for being the most stupid girl who ever was born, you never were cute, you were always a thorn in the side of me and the woman I married and we can’t wait til you’re buried cause you bring such shame to our name…I guess daddy never took into account the heartache and pain a little girl feels when she loses her mother, ripped from the arms of the one who most loved her.  That’s why mommy drank herself to death….She wasn’t lying; my dad stole her breath when he stole her baby from her breast….and I refused to believe her til after her death.  Now she is gone and only questions are left.

Advertisements

8 comments

  1. As you write about this and get it out, you need to write another paragraph about how wrong he was and is. There are good things about yourself. Just remind yourself more than you allow the negative tapes to play in your head. I can understand how hard it is. I still go through it.

    1. I only figured out a few years ago about the negative self-talk…realizing the source of the implantation….I never ever would’ve thought….weird, but anyway, I have been working ceaselessly to retrain my subconscious mind to remove these beliefs about myself that I didn’t even know were there…I made my own self hypnosis, with my own voice on an mp3, and I listen to it while I am sleeping, and I can definitely see where there’s been some improvement. However, I think as long as I continue to write about, and get all the shame out of me by telling everyone in the world, myself, about my shame….that’s when I’m going to get better…..I have always wanted to be a writer, but those mental “things” have stopped me from ever doing anything of WORTH, in my life…..

      Thank you, like I said, just reading your words conveys your soothing energy….thank you.

  2. I only figured out a few years ago about the negative self-talk…realizing the source of the implantation….I never ever would’ve thought….weird, but anyway, I have been working ceaselessly to retrain my subconscious mind to remove these beliefs about myself that I didn’t even know were there…I made my own self hypnosis, with my own voice on an mp3, and I listen to it while I am sleeping, and I can definitely see where there’s been some improvement. However, I think as long as I continue to write about, and get all the shame out of me by telling everyone in the world, myself, about my shame….that’s when I’m going to get better…..I have always wanted to be a writer, but those mental “things” have stopped me from ever doing anything of WORTH, in my life…..

    Thank you, like I said, just reading your words conveys your soothing energy….thank you.

  3. Oops….didn’t mean to repost that last comment, but I’m on my phone cause my laptop caught a virus….but what I wanted to say, and I boss this doesn’t offend you, but your energy is very maternal….and that’s nice.

    1. No, it doesn’t offend me. I have just been through so much too and really hope I can help. I still have my bad days, but they are nothing like they were. If I can help you get to someplace in your life like that. It will be a great day.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s