Seriously?

Sometimes I sit outside at night and paranoia will get the better of me…I guess from being snuck so many times… and so it just happened as I was sitting here on my steps in the pitch black dark… feeling fear from an unknown source… so, I.don’t want to go inside, but I also don’t want to sit out here feeling scared.

What the FUCK am I scared of, anyway?

I had to say to myself, “self, now listen to me… you’re being real silly right now being scared outside.  You have never been scared, before… you’d walk up and down any street on any night at any time, if your mood was right… you’ve legitimately tried suicide at least three times and you’ve made AT least seven cries for help, four of them before the age of 17…you’ve been raped several times, two of those times at  the threat of your life and the assailant had a weapon. You’ve been beaten bloody and almost  killed and you’ve been beaten….You’ve been robbed at knife point and you’ve been robbed at gun point AND you’ve been robbed with no points, just being choked from behind….You’ve been kidnapped AT least three times, and the first time it was your father who was your kidnapper… you’ve been in two high speed chases, both times you were the driver, you’ve eaten out of dumpsters and tricked for a roast beef sandwich… and you’ve also eaten from silver spoons, making millionaires fall in love with you… you’ve robbed one big time dealer, watched your car get stolen once and it was gone for almost a month before YOU FOUND THAT BITCH AND GOT YO SHIT…you’ve had tricky cops drive you to Zion City to retrieve your stolen property and you’ve been arrested and revoked more times than you can count, and that one time you did those six weeks in solitary confinement.…you’ve never lost a fight, except if you wanna count the time that guy you dated, named Nine, beat you silly….he got the best of you,  but only ONCE….you’ve lost everything you owned at least three times, spent over a decade homeless, had five children, raised four of them perfectly then lost them….your mom is dead, and the family that raised you won’t speak to you….and, BWHAAHAHAHHHHAA…that’s just the shit you remember…so, um…wtf are you scared of NOW, exactly?

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2 comments

  1. Wow, that’s a lot for any one person to deal with. And, yet, you made it through it all. Perhaps the fear is that something similar will happen again and you don’t want those experiences again? That seems reasonable. Perhaps it is best to keep yourself out of harms way and those destructive behaviours that places you in harms way?

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