Thank A Borderline

I want, with all of my heart, to explain what it feels like to know that there is no one to trust.

I want to explain what it feels like to fundamentally understand that it doesn’t matter how many free calls you get, there is no one to call.

I want to explain it so much but it HURTS.  

My mind doesn’t allow me to feel emotions.

The “Nothingness” is consuming me.

I call it, “‘BATS!  BATS! BATS!”

Shame.

Failure.

Loss.

Sadness.

Despair.

Nobody fucking loves me,

I HATE FUCKING SAYING THAT because….it’s true…but not that the truth isn’t enough, if I say it out loud, I’m on a pity pot because evidently I’m the reason no one loves me.  So…I can’t be sad that I have no one because the no one’s I do have, don’t want to hear that because it’s my fucking fault, anyway.

I’m just trying to flesh this out and make sense of this because the way I see it, and remember it….I love. 

I LOVE.

I LOVE.

I LOVE, FOR REAL.

I LOVE.

That’s all I’ve ever done.

I understand that I have had to actually learn how to love as I go.  Love was never taught to me by anyone but my Mimi, and she did a really good job, but now she’s dead.  And, in retrospect, her love must have been dysfunctional as fuck, too.

But I know she loved me.  

She always loved me when they didn’t.  Now she’s gone and they still don’t and I’ve lost the others I managed to collect along the way.

I have a sneaking suspicion that not only am I NOT ALONE in the way I feel, but I believe that those of us who are like me are becoming the majority.

SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST

Call me manic and grandiose and all the other sweet adjectives the DSM-IV labels those of us with these….illnesses….But think about it….

What in holy fuck is our country gonna look like in 20 or 30 years?  The people running everything consumed by the same or a derivation of the same “EMOTIONAL DISABILITIES” as me.  

Meaning….NOBODY AIN’T GONNA TRUST NOBODY.  

Now, I’m not a sociologist or anthropologist.  I got no letters behind my name, only strings of numbers on a small black rectangular board displayed at my chest, and not even that anymore since the turn of the century.  I do not think it’s takes a degree to understand that a country which is inhabited and ruled by humans who do not really know what love is..people who don’t trust their own brother or sister further than they can throw them…..well, that sounds like annihilation, to me.

The Bible and lots of other prophetical works claim the Earth is gonna burn the next go-round, and I believe it.

I also believe there will be survivors and my personal theory is that the destruction and death which will engulf our planet is going to be so “Mad Max” that unless there are those of us who have the capacity to “turn their emotions off”, “not have to feel shit”,  or “go numb”, our species would become extinct.

So, thank a Borderline today for continuing our species.

 

 

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