I am not sure whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing that the symptoms of BPD I experience rotate. My symptoms have recently changed from a super-long stretch of having no appetite, peppered with occasional outbursts of extreme anger and paranoia to having a really good appetite, with insomnia and having horrible nightmares every night.
There is nothing that helps the ridiculous insomnia, short of xanax or klonopin. When I do fall asleep, it’s never a deep sleep, just hovering somewhere in between lucidity and light sleep. Nevertheless, my mind is still able to whip me up a nightmare that rivals any of the “Saw” movies, in as little as 30 minutes. The nightmares are becoming progressively more bloody and violent. I wake up from them, my heart pounding, I go outside and smoke a cigarette so that I don’t settle back down and pick up where I left off when I jumped out of my skin and my bed.
I have an appointment with mental health scheduled next week and I can’t wait. I hope that whatever doctor sees me, has an open mind and doesn’t start prescribing me a bunch of crap that doesn’t help at all.
Last week, when the insomnia started kicking my ass again, I found an old bottle of Nortriptyline that were prescribed to me in 2004. I started taking them because one of the side effects is drowsiness.
They don’t make me drowsy. I do feel differently, but I am not sure if it’s good. Just like every other anti-depressant I have tried, the pills are making me very apathetic. Instead of actually being creative, I sit and think about being creative. That makes me more depressed because I have no motivation to actually get off my ass and create.
I can’t believe I wrote this post.