I Wrote….woo wee

I am not sure whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing that the symptoms of BPD I experience rotate.  My symptoms have recently changed from a super-long stretch of having no appetite, peppered with occasional outbursts of extreme anger and paranoia to having a really good appetite, with insomnia and having horrible nightmares every night.

There is nothing that helps the ridiculous insomnia, short of xanax or klonopin.  When I do fall asleep, it’s never a deep sleep, just hovering somewhere in between lucidity and light sleep.  Nevertheless, my mind is still able to whip me up a nightmare that rivals any of the “Saw” movies, in as little as 30 minutes.  The nightmares are becoming progressively more bloody and violent.  I wake up from them, my heart pounding, I go outside and smoke a cigarette so that I don’t settle back down and pick up where I left off when I jumped out of my skin and my bed.

I have an appointment with mental health scheduled next week and I can’t wait.  I hope that whatever doctor sees me, has an open mind and doesn’t start prescribing me a bunch of crap that doesn’t help at all.

Last week, when the insomnia started kicking my ass again, I found an old bottle of Nortriptyline that were prescribed to me in 2004.  I started taking them because one of the side effects is drowsiness.

They don’t make me drowsy.  I do feel differently, but I am not sure if it’s good.  Just like every other anti-depressant I have tried, the pills are making me very apathetic.  Instead of actually being creative, I sit and think about being creative.  That makes me more depressed because I have no motivation to actually get off my ass and create.

I can’t believe I wrote this post.

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3 comments

  1. This may sound like a hokey response, but try self-hypnosis. I use self-hypnosis CD’s and free recordings through Amazon. They really do help. I understand about the numb feeling. Like you just can’t move creatively. The medication can do that. It can really help.

    1. It doesn’t sound hokey at all. I’ve got a ton of books on self hypnosis and I’ve also downloaded lots of hypnosis/meditation mp3’s to listen to while I sleep. I guess I may try them again.

  2. I know these feelings all too well. I also know what it feels like to just want to pop a few pills and hope it makes you fall into a deep slumber when lacking the ability to drift into dreamland at night. Thing is eventually we just build up a tolerance on these medications and they stop working the way they did initially :/ Thing is, what I, and I’m sure through experience you as well, have learnt, is that no “magic” pill would ever solve our problems. And that zombie-like side effect of antidepressants is one reason I’ve stopped mine. I mean medication can have it’s benefits, but I personally prefer to feel like I’m living and not just existing. Meds are only one part of the process. Having good people in your life who would support you no matter what and be very understanding, that’s another part i.e. good friends. Then proper therapy is also good. Of course, we have to do things for ourselves as well. I try yoga and meditation to try finding that sense of calm in my life when I’m really on edge. Also writing is good. Another thing for me is that I have a mantra-like thing that I repeat to myself. “We have two choices: Let these negative feelings get the best of us and take control, or show it who’s the bigger badass and fight them off. Are we going to feel sad, or make ourselves feel okay?” Then I ponder on that for a while. Sometimes emotions are hard to control and I just have to ride out my emotional wave before I can pick myself up and move on. We’re all entitled to our feelings so never let anyone make you feel bad if you need a moment to cry or scream or whatever it is you feel in the moment. For me, after all that is done, I look for ways of improving to not let it repeat itself. It is again a process, but once you’re willing to fight, and once you believe you deserve better than to let BPD take control of your life, you would find your way on the path of regaining that control.

    Sorry for the very long comment. I just felt like I needed to say all of this to you because you don’t seem like a bad person and for me knowing what it’s like to feel this way, I’d wouldn’t want anyone else feeling this way and hope my words can in some way help you.

    Take care!

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