I Just Swim

drowning

I don’t know how I feel today, so I guess I am numb.  I started a new anti-depressant yesterday and those tend to make me glum.  They set me on a course of apathy and I honestly think they’re bad for me, but I really need to sleep so badly and the new doctor refused me xanax and I left his office madly.  My head feels like it’s gone for a swim, no sunshine today, outside is dim and I don’t know if it really is or if it’s the haze these pills have me sitting in.  I need to go inside and straighten up, but instead I put vodka in my cup and I’m drinking it with coffee.  I’ve been silent with my boyfriend for the past three days, relationships to me are a goddamn maze, they have me on a rollercoaster; my heart is all ablaze.  What sets me off and reeling is when I tell about my feelings, they always prove me right but instead he wants to fight and I’ve lost a lot of might so that I bark but I don’t bite. Now I just lay down and roll, they use my heart to take a stroll never admitting to even one wrong and this is now my song since no matter what I say there will never be a day that my feelings are counted valid, I feel tossed around like salad and I know my sense is true, and I have proof I’m being lied to but there’s nothing I can do so I just swim.

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4 comments

  1. They make you feel like dregs for at least two weeks. Hopefully it will get better for you after that. Sorry you are feeling down. Your feelings are valid. Very powerful writing.

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