I don’t know how I feel today, so I guess I am numb. I started a new anti-depressant yesterday and those tend to make me glum. They set me on a course of apathy and I honestly think they’re bad for me, but I really need to sleep so badly and the new doctor refused me xanax and I left his office madly. My head feels like it’s gone for a swim, no sunshine today, outside is dim and I don’t know if it really is or if it’s the haze these pills have me sitting in. I need to go inside and straighten up, but instead I put vodka in my cup and I’m drinking it with coffee. I’ve been silent with my boyfriend for the past three days, relationships to me are a goddamn maze, they have me on a rollercoaster; my heart is all ablaze. What sets me off and reeling is when I tell about my feelings, they always prove me right but instead he wants to fight and I’ve lost a lot of might so that I bark but I don’t bite. Now I just lay down and roll, they use my heart to take a stroll never admitting to even one wrong and this is now my song since no matter what I say there will never be a day that my feelings are counted valid, I feel tossed around like salad and I know my sense is true, and I have proof I’m being lied to but there’s nothing I can do so I just swim.