Month: May 2015

Rhetorical

When the only people you ever loved with that kind of love…the kind you bore through your loins…the kind you KNOW THE LOVE IS REAL BECAUSE YOU KNOW (at the least)  IT’S RECIPROCAL…well, when you lose them in a nasty divorce….EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE BECOMES CAKE….

My retort to any person, place or institution, even upon ANY THREAT, goes just like this:

“What you gonna do?  Take my kids from me?”

yeah, it’s rhetorical.

it doesn’t get better

i really do just want to die

I think about my children and those thoughts make me feel bad that I just want to die.

doesn’t really matter….I lost 2 and out of the other 3 I raised all by myself only the oldest really remembers that it was just me and them the whole time til they were out of diapers.

they love me so much

and I love them so much

but i don’t know how much more of this bullshit existence I can take

I have literally prayed for cancer since I was 8

it doesn’t get better

AND FUCK YOU PEOPLE WHO SAY IT DOES.

Jesus Only Speaks Old English

What do you do when you think you are this one thing, but somewhere during your last dance in your thirties, and possibly the beginning of a mid-life crisis (which for me, would actually be way past that…I hit mid-life at 25) things about yourself are brought to your attention and you slowly and painfully realize you aren’t the person you thought you were?  At least not in the eyes of others…

I guess I am not so great, in the “eyes of others”.

I know one thing, the person I was at 19, has come along way, baby, as I sit here and write this at age 39…smoking my Virginia Slim…Haha…I only smoked those when I stole them from my mother-in-law, when I was 19.

I’m trying.  Jesus God Christ Satan Fucking LUCIFER….I AM FUCKING TRYING.

I have done nothing but spend the past two decades searching my soul, usually with help of narcotics or hallucinogens, back when I was younger and later in life, when I really was sober (like talkin about)  and really STRIVING to change myself.

Now that I am writing this, a thought just hit my brain like a torpedo…

I was striving to change myself….change myself into the person everyone around me thought I should be or expected me to be.   Or, when I got saved in 2008, change myself into the person I thought Jesus and YAHWEH wanted me to be, and even that was stained and marred by church people aka INLAWS who hated me from day 1 and would never have liked me even if Jesus, himself, busted up in their Wednesday night pot luck and said, “Yo!  My sheep, Athena, she cool people…Ima let her in…be nice to her, LOVE THY NEIGHBOR, YO”

I just laughed out loud because as thou knowest, Jesus only speaketh OLDE ENGLISH.

FUCK.

(DANGER….REAL LIFE AHEAD) *Teenagers are conceited assholes…and so might the parents’ be, as well

And yeah….we have not spoken in months, and this is the first thing she wants to send me…..OMFG.image

image

*The teenager I speak of is 3 months shy of NINETEEN.

old posts

Old posts that I wrote whenever ago are so embarrassing that on the rare nights I decide to hop into the “way back” Machine and view them again  my awkward discomfort ninjas cause me to laugh and say (literally….out loud), lol lol  I DONT GIVE A FUCK Lol lol…

….that’s kind of always when I know that I do give a fuck.

Fuck off.