What do you do when you think you are this one thing, but somewhere during your last dance in your thirties, and possibly the beginning of a mid-life crisis (which for me, would actually be way past that…I hit mid-life at 25) things about yourself are brought to your attention and you slowly and painfully realize you aren’t the person you thought you were? At least not in the eyes of others…
I guess I am not so great, in the “eyes of others”.
I know one thing, the person I was at 19, has come along way, baby, as I sit here and write this at age 39…smoking my Virginia Slim…Haha…I only smoked those when I stole them from my mother-in-law, when I was 19.
I’m trying. Jesus God Christ Satan Fucking LUCIFER….I AM FUCKING TRYING.
I have done nothing but spend the past two decades searching my soul, usually with help of narcotics or hallucinogens, back when I was younger and later in life, when I really was sober (like talkin about) and really STRIVING to change myself.
Now that I am writing this, a thought just hit my brain like a torpedo…
I was striving to change myself….change myself into the person everyone around me thought I should be or expected me to be. Or, when I got saved in 2008, change myself into the person I thought Jesus and YAHWEH wanted me to be, and even that was stained and marred by church people aka INLAWS who hated me from day 1 and would never have liked me even if Jesus, himself, busted up in their Wednesday night pot luck and said, “Yo! My sheep, Athena, she cool people…Ima let her in…be nice to her, LOVE THY NEIGHBOR, YO”
I just laughed out loud because as thou knowest, Jesus only speaketh OLDE ENGLISH.