I’ve been feeling all alone since the day I was born like a little baby sheep shorn for his very first time. Feeling all naked and afraid and alone…looks at everyone around him only grownups are to find, he just wants to be gone back somewhere all alone…no need for what they all think is very well- known …just cause some one was shown, how to pluck a bone, that’s now what we all know, we pluck meat all day until the night is fully grown and then we get hungry and we still pluck meat some more.
I’m about to jump right, straight, out-of- my-skin right now, and never look back.
I’m neither in a good mood nor a bad mood….I dont know what’s wrong with me…I dont feel light, just heavy, and uptight thinking about the way things are gonna be…but I’m not consciously thinking about anything that brings pain or is uncomfortable…those things I disdain and fight out of my brain…I hate hard thoughts, I’m bombarded lots by them, but through my life I’ve learned how to tie big knots around my heart to keep those thoughts out…that used to work well for me, but I get older and I see that maybe this wall never worked effectively and the grade will come with the death of me. …I’m sure.
I suck at all of them.
I’ve been that guy before
Can’t even find a floor to squat
So what he’s got is a cold little spot
On the side of the store
Tired, cold and poor
So many people driving up, look away and ignore…
I’ve been that guy before.
I should change the name of this blog to, “Catharsis”, because, so far, that is exactly what it has been. Also, my overwhelmingly successful YouTube channel has been nothing but a pure catharsis. I began my YT channel first, for the same reason, ultimately, that I began this blog. Those reasons are: pure and simple hatred, disgust, vindication, aggravation, salvation, education, and mostly ANGER, IN IT’S PUREST FORM….FUCKING RIGHTEOUS ANGER.
However, since I’m grandiose sometimes (the moon is full tonight) and I consider myself an amateur, self-taught, quantam physicist, I know that the things that are not changing, the static, the stagnant have no choice but to change, because that is the nature of reality as most of us believe it to be. And so it is, that I must begin, yet another change, too, lest I become more stagnant. I am beginning to smell on myself a stench, it’s definitely time.
I truly have started noticing here lately, that the anger has gone. I’m not angry about the people anymore. Not my parents, my in-laws, the big-mouthed, ex-neighbor, ex-wife, the bitch with a dick, but most importantly, not the neighbors. I am actually embarrassed when I ponder how much time I have allowed them to usurp my mind.
Yes, all of those people are still horrible, but that is not my problem. I am here to change me, not them.
So, things are changing again. I am not sure the direction. I know that things will be whatever they will be, because they will. I am sure that no matter how painful this change is, I will end up in a better place, with much more wisdom earned.
Now, though, it is time for me to move and stop thinking of all of those same things that have been a thorn in me for more than a few years. It was all for my good, even the things I perceived as horrible, were all for my good, because I have learned from each experience.
I wish it had not taken me so long to learn the lessons that I needed to learn. I do mourn the fact that I wasted precious time in my quest to evolve. I console myself in the knowledge that time is a truly human concept.
I did it, though, I got the pain out, and yeah, now I got some messes that need to be cleaned. The Universe will handle that efficiently, as it never fails to do. I am sure I got some licks coming. But, like I always say:
“LIFE IS ALWAYS FAIR”.
The anger is gone.
Let me spread love now.
It’s time to do that again, except do it better than before.