I got out bed at noon today. I was back in the girls’ room sleeping and they both slept with me, the night before, in a twin size bed. There was no room for my son, so he slept on the floor by the doorway. I did wake up with them at 7:30 so I could brush the girls hair for school and kiss them before they left. I didn’t get out of bed though, and as soon as they were gone I went right back to sleep.
It is a brutally gorgeous day. I am thinking how I wish I could take a handful of all of this beauty I see and deposit it inside my brain. My brain definitely needs some sunshine.
I left him again. I have been gone longer this time than any of the other previous leavings.
It’s not that I don’t love him because I do. He is the one who showed me how to love. He is the one who taught me about intimacy.
He made me an awesome cook.
He also lies to me. I have repeatedly demonstrated to him how easy it is to tell the truth about a thing. Yes, it is very hard at first, but once the truth is out, everything starts to heal.
I’m left with the question: Can you have real intimacy with lies?
I don’t know, for sure, but I don’t think I can, personally.
I can barely be intimate with anyone, at all, much less be intimate with a person I know is lying to me.
I have tried to talk to him about this lying stuff, and only one time has he admitted to any wrong doing. Every other time he gets immediately angry and then tells me I am turning everything around on him. He does this even when faced with facts.
I wish I could be so evolved that the thought of him being with another person wouldn’t bother me….like Jim Morrison.
I am not Jim Morrison and I do care when the person I love can look me dead in my eyes and lie. I am tired of having to swallow down my gut instincts to avoid a fight.
“Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself – and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That’s what real love amounts to – letting a person be what he really is.” -Jim Morrison