Bullet Train Derailment

My mood plummeted last night.  It wasn’t the best yesterday, but as soon as night fell, my mood became extremely murky and dark and thick and very uncomfortable and it was really hard moving through it.

I feel better today and now I am trying to pinpoint the cause of the crash.  I tried to pinpoint last night but the muck was much too deep.  It was all I could do just trying to stay in my skin.

Most of it was anxiety, I guess.

I am, currently, and have been living between two houses for the last several months.

I have been in a relationship for approximately the last three and a half years.

I have been possessed in my current body for two score and 21 days, and in that time I have only had three long-term relationships with men.  The first one lasted about four years, and bore one child.  The second one lasted about six years, and bore 3 children. During that particular relationship, he was not with me, emotionally, for any of it, and was only present, physically, 2 years.

After number 2, even though I had really given up on the idea of loving or being loved by a man, I accidentally fell in love.

This time was different.  The love was reciprocal.  I knew it, I could feel it, and it was was like nothing I had ever experienced before, in my life.  I loved someone who actually loved me back…wow.  I could not say ‘no’ to it, no matter how hard I tried, and even a year into the relationship, I was still trying, and I am still trying.

Now, the ability to say ‘no’ and “turning it off” have become easier because the cracks in his honesty, that I knew were somewhere in there, albeit hidden well, have finally begun to show.

I am an honest person.  It came naturally, at first, and I lost it during adolescence and my teen years until I was about 24 years old.  I was heavy on drugs, homeless, squatting from one house, to the next with very few possessions, and those factors are what possessed my mind to stop lying.  I realized that I had so little, that the little I had, I wanted to keep, and I knew in my soul, that the only way to keep those things was to stop taking things from others.

Yeah, I used to steal and lie, and I was actually really fucking good at it.

Back to topic….you gotta watch me…I’ll go off a track faster than the Bullet Train, if it were bombed.

….one day I’m gonna ride the Bullet Train in Japan….

So, anyway, I stopped lying more than 15 years ago.

When a person doesn’t lie, over time, I believe they develop the ability to become a human lie detector…or maybe I always have been…I don’t know.  What I do know is that I know when someone is lying to me.

And that’s all I want to say about this right now because sharing feelings is hard for me, but I’m working on it.

I also know that anyone who is interested in reading this blog, probably has a short attention span.

 

 

 

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