child custody

Gone

I have been very sick lately.

It has been awful.

The anxiety is so thick that if I could remove it from my body, put it in a pot and cook it on the stove, it would make a sturdy roux, but it would taste like straight fuck.

I feel like I am losing my mind at a very rapid pace.

Too much change going on….

I suppose I do not handle change well, anymore.

I used to be able to deal with it, well, in my twenties. Back then, my life was nothing but constant change. But then I got settled down and in and it felt good. I got used to the monotony of doing the same things every day.

I got used to be being a mom, a damn good one. I got used to taking care of my family. I got used to washing dishes and clothes and cooking supper and cleaning the kitchen.

Then one day, everything was gone.

Everyone was gone.

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Apollo

The alcohol is tearing my stomach up but that doesn’t matter while I fill up my cup

childhood demons coming  hard and fast don’t know how much longer I can last

everywhere I go the trouble seems to follow I put on my nikes and run like Apollo

I wanna get away I don’t want to wallow and the  pill life gives I don’t wanna swallow

so here I am and I’m stuck like stupid because I let an arrow from  cupid

hit my heart in the weakest spot, and now that bitch got me in a headlock

I’m at jesus door going  KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK,  answer the door please don’t keep it locked.

I’m standing out here in the pouring ass rain and I hate that I am here once again

it seems like all I feel is nothing but shame, and that is a feeling so loaded with pain

I look all around for someone to blame

I look all around for someone to blame

but they’re gone, not coming back, and now I  feel an anxiety attack

coming to hit me always from the back rubbing my nose in all that I lack

 

waiting waiting waiting for an answer

Jesus please come cure this cancer

it’s eating me up from the inside out

even though I keep pulling out the seeds of doubt

waiting waiting waiting for an answer

Jesus please come cure this cancer

it’s eating me up from the inside out

even though I keep pulling out the seeds of doubt

 

I have to believe it only seems like i’m failing

when the truth is that I am probably sailing

across every ocean always prevailing

even when life seems so unavailing

I am a tough ass bitch this I do know

lemons in my garden are the only thing that grow

eyes all burning but I go with the flow

except I do it backwards, it’s part of my show

One day I will finish this lifetime race

running to the goal of unfettered grace

Jesus in my pocket HE IS MY ACE

it’s hard to believe he hasn’t turned his face

I feel so worthless most of the time

blaming myself for my father’s crimes

but then the wind blows and I can hear the chimes

and the slow still voice points out the landmines

beloved run here, don’t run there

the mothafucking landmines are everywhere

watch where you step, walk with care

and when you feel lonely find the sun and just stare

fuck whose watching…why the fuck care?

if you feel shame just let down your hair

and know they’re all numbered, my dear Sarah

I love all my children but you are fairer

keep that thought close in your desolate land

while you know you can always take my hand

I’ll walk you through the valleys of sand

and Ill get you to the promised land

keep your chin up while you get a tan

the place I am taking you is fucking grand

I tell no lies, I AM the Son of man

I tell no lies, I Am the Son of man

 

waiting waiting waiting for an answer

Jesus please come cure this cancer

it’s eating me up from the inside out

even though I keep pulling out the seeds of doubt

waiting waiting waiting for an answer

Jesus please come cure this cancer

it’s eating me up from the inside out

even though I keep pulling out the seeds of doubt

waiting waiting waiting for an answer

Jesus please come cure this cancer

it’s eating me up from the inside out

even though I keep pulling out the seeds of doubt

waiting waiting waiting for an answer

Jesus please come cure this cancer

it’s eating me up from the inside out

even though I keep pulling out the seeds of doubt

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lucifer’s Got Jokes

Ok, at the risk of completely making myself out be the things my ex in-laws, and others, imagine me to be….

I’m totally interested in magick and Gremoires and mysticism and Archangels and Goetia…basically GOD/YAH in all of HIS MIGHTY FORMS.

And…I do have a super-power or two.

Those were not easily acquired.  One does not become able to posses magic unless one proves itself responsible….and no, this is not a blanket statement, I understand that there are varying degrees of black magic…anyway…I was watching a guy on youtube earlier doing an evocation of Lucifer.

The video was playing the whole time I was putting on my make-up, and that takes about 40 minutes.

So, I guess I had Lucifer on the brain when I put my headphones on and asked Him to be my DJ (being the “DJ” is when I put all the hundreds of songs on my mp3 and hit “shuffle”)….and this is what Lucifer wants to play…

NO SHIT.

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I love the dark side’s sense of humor…it’s much like my own.

Bread and Butter!!!!!

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I am about to apply these faux nails and while I am super-excited thinking about how all of the different ways I will be able to colorfully paint these luscious claws, I realize I should write type my post before the application.

I have been thinking all weekend about the subject matter of this post.  I have made several random notes in the “action memos” section of my Note 3.  This is my fourth note and I just started utilizing the “action memo” feature.  I mainly got the phone for the big screen.

I have 20/20 vision.

Yeah, haters, I have 20/20 in my backofthehead eyes, too.

So, I went back and re-visited the ideas which I wrote in my “action memo” section of my phone, and I have no memory of what any of them except the one saying, “OCD or Superstition”, means.
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I was employing shorthand, I suppose.

Was I drunk when I wrote them?

Yes…drunken shorthand.

I am feeling lazy today, and I am also in a pretty outstanding mood, so I am going to keep this short and sweet.

Or…at least I am going to try.

My Mimi was very superstitious and she taught me to be very superstitious.  I remember going to the corner grocery store with my grandmother.  Upon walking into the building, we would always pass two sets of Fica trees planted neatly in boxes made of red brick. Each box was about six feet long and four feet wide.

Like most children, I would immediately jump upon the brick and walk one side of the box as if I were a gymnast on the balance beam.  It was all good until I would choose to jump and do my walk on the side of the box opposite to the side Mimi was walking.

OH HELL, NO!

Mimi would IMMEDIATELY say, “BREAD AND BUTTER!!!!!!”

I knew what I was supposed to say and on most days I would make her happy by responding with an equal, “BREAD AND BUTTER!!!!!!”

Mimi said if I was ever walking with someone I loved and we should happen to pass something that would come between us, and if we let it come between us, I should always say, “bread and butter”, as well as the person with whom I was walking, so that nothing would really come between us.

Mimi cooked a bunch and I would watch her.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t watching her to learn how to cook, though she did manage to teach me to cook.  I watched her because I loved her more than anything in the world and I just wanted to be where she was.

At some point during the preparation of the meal, Mimi would invariably spill the salt.  When this happened, she would immediately take the salt shaker into her and shake salt onto the floor over her LEFT SHOULDER.

Otherwise…..well….we don’t want to know, now do we?

I don’t believe that, even to this day, I have spilled salt randomly then neglected to purposefully throw it onto the floor, OVER MY LEFT SHOULDER.

I have many more anecdotes like this one, about my beloved Mimi, but your attention span is short and so is mine and now I’m ready to do m’nails.

I love you.

One Of My Most Embarrassing Videos

This is one of my most embarrassing (to me) videos I have made.  Nevertheless, my intent was never, really for the views….

it was for the manifestation….

…and that continues to continue….

so suck it.

I Want A Dick

I want a dick.

If I had a dick, I would fuck everything that moved, or had a pulse.

I want a dick.

If you currently possess a vagina and have never thought about having a dick, at least for a day, then….(you’re lying) and…you should…..the possibilities are numerous.

I mean…FOR ONE…YOU’D BE ABLE TO PEE STANDING UP.

I’ve tried to pee standing at a 90 degree angle, cause one time I heard that if a woman bent over at that degree while urinating, her urine would make a stream.

That is not true.  The piss will just run down your leg.

WTFOMGFML

I have two, paid for vehicles.

The one I usually drive…the one whose back glass, which is almost as big as the windshield, got busted out several weeks ago, is dead.

Fucking dead.

Ok…no problem…I have another vehicle…it’s got no insurance and it’s not registered but all I want to do is ride to my back yard to my bff’s house to vent…I could walk but it’s about to rain….

I CAN’T FIND THE KEY….

fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life

I started working again today and made almost $100 in an hour…..so that’s cool…but I have to put on makeup to work and since I am allergic to makeup and I’m also allergic to my home…it’s double allergies….

haha…one of the symptoms of BPD is adult onset allergies.

I am now diagnosed severe asthmatic and severe COPD.

I got no insurance.

I AM FUCKING ANGRY.

I WANT TO FIGHT SOMEONE OR SOMETHING.

I want to rip my dad’s throat out.

I want to rip my dad’s throat out with the pinky finger of my left hand while using my right hand to slurp two scoops of yummy Baskin Robbins Chocolate Chip ice cream from a waffle cone…all the while keeping my face smiling the sweet smile of a little girl who is happy cause her daddy just bought her some ice cream.