rape

height

I had to stop drinking but I had to start back,   cause I’m always fucking feeling like I’m running in a pack of only fucking one and I got no fuckin gun, and got no fuckin fun and when I was young my dad called me son I thought it didn’t bother me until i was past  thirty then I started realizing that shit was kinda dirty, i wasn’t just a girl, I was a pretty ass girl, who had in her palm the whole entire world but i didn’t even know it and all i did was blow it and  when I turned 18 …DOPE was only chosen …my whole fucking life been a slow sUiCiDe all out in the open I didn’t try to hide…or so I thought but I was really fucking wrong and  Now I know all  the words to my poor swan song that so far never really seems to END and when I think it is HAS that really means BEGIN a whole new chapter with ONE LESS FRIEND  and i’m trapped with some lions and I’m in their den and they didn’t invite cause I’m NOT so polite sometimes I’m rowdy and sometimes I  fight and when that shit happens you better run from my sight… demons coming  outta me tends to fright so run away fast RUN AWAY FAST and run to the light I’ll meet ya when you get there after you fall from your

height….

 

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Not Now, nor, forevermore

It makes me mad that I have to watch my back when I walk out my back door to let my dog go pee.

Seriously….I don’t think you know the struggle.

It’s like this everywhere I move.

Now…one might say, “Well, Athena, don’t you think since it happens everywhere you move, that it is possible that YOU ARE THE PROBLEM?

Yeah….I get that.

But the problem is, they do shit FIRST, and so my actions are a fucking REACTION.

And yes…I do realize that neither the black neighbors, nor the white ones, were expecting the reaction they received from their own actions…

NEVERTHELESS….

I put up with way too much shit as a youngster, to take any now.

So fuck them all.

I am the sweetest, most forgiving, loving ASS MEAN BITCH YOU WILL EVER WISH YOU NEVER MET.

I’ve felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can’t see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed

I’ve felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can’t see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed

Goodbye

I wipe it off on a tile, the light is brighter this time
Everything is turning blasphemy
My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up
This is not the way I picture me

I can’t control my shakes, how the hell did I get here?
Something about this, so very wrong
I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn’t like this
Is it a dream or a memory?

I’ve felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can’t see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed

Get outta my head ’cause I don’t need this
Why didn’t I see this?
Well, I’m a victim Manchurian candidate
I have sinned by just makin’ my mind up
And takin’ your breath away

I’ve felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can’t see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed

I’ve felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can’t see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed

Goodbye

You haven’t learned a thing
I haven’t changed a thing
The flesh was in my bones
The pain was always free

You haven’t learned a thing
I haven’t changed a thing
The flesh was in my bones
The pain was always free

I’ve felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can’t see
Inside my shell I wait and bleed

I’ve felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can’t see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed

Let the blackness roll on
Mother’s cool reptilian womb
Ain’t so cold tonight
My fingers trace the exit wounds
By graveyard light
There’s bone dust in my throat and everything is DEAD
But it’s all right

Take it easy
You bleed so easy
Bleed me an ocean
Bleed me an ocean tonight
By electric graveyard light
Bleed me an ocean
Let me lie beneath the sky
Teach me how to die
Bleed me an ocean
As the blossom eats the butterfly
Can you feel the cold death
That rides along your spine
Let the blackness roll on
You bleed so easy
Let the blackness roll on
I was sexless in clouds again
I was chasing a cold, cold wind
I’ve become bored with flesh and bone again
The deepest alone
I was riding the turbulence
An ocean of Hades
It’s all downhill from here
On the outer nowhere
Let the blackness roll on
You bleed so easy
Let the blackness roll on
I was stoned to the drone
Of the blackness that hums
I’ve become bored with flesh and bone again
The endless hum of the highway drone
I was riding the turbulence
An ocean of Hades
The taste of dead sex on my tongue
On my tongue, yeah
Let the blackness roll on
You bleed so easy
Let the blackness roll on
You bleed so easy
Just like a rain drop
I was born baby to fall
And scale these prison walls
It was over before you were born
Sucked into the vacuum of this universal tomb
It was over before you were born
Sucked into the vacuum of this universal tomb
Old blossom dies
Like a young man breathes
The insects hum with their hunger and grieve
An icon of pale bone
Static white dream
Blind in the wilderness
Everybody scream
I couldn’t find my way
Out the door
We all died
Woke up on the floor
I ride the painted whore
She gives good universal scream, scream
I ride the painted whore
She gives good universal scream, scream
I ride the painted whore
She gives good universal scream, scream
I ride the painted whore
She gives good universal scream, scream

Firecrackers

I need to “go to work”, but I hate my job.  It is nice that I can work from home because otherwise there would be no work for me.

I hate to leave my house.  I absolutely hate it, for any reason.

I am not very sure why I hate it so much.

My Mimi used to tell me how this one time she had agoraphobia for four years and couldn’t leave any further than the perimeter of her yard.

She said it was because, one day, when my uncle was young, he rigged firecrackers to every one of her kitchen cabinets so that when she opened one, all of them exploded.

Mimi said after that was when she got real nervous.

Nobody tied firecrackers to my kitchen cabinets…I think they just tied them to my brain.

One Of My Most Embarrassing Videos

This is one of my most embarrassing (to me) videos I have made.  Nevertheless, my intent was never, really for the views….

it was for the manifestation….

…and that continues to continue….

so suck it.

I Want A Dick

I want a dick.

If I had a dick, I would fuck everything that moved, or had a pulse.

I want a dick.

If you currently possess a vagina and have never thought about having a dick, at least for a day, then….(you’re lying) and…you should…..the possibilities are numerous.

I mean…FOR ONE…YOU’D BE ABLE TO PEE STANDING UP.

I’ve tried to pee standing at a 90 degree angle, cause one time I heard that if a woman bent over at that degree while urinating, her urine would make a stream.

That is not true.  The piss will just run down your leg.

The Haircut

“Come on Sarah, get your stuff together, we have to go to Baton Rouge”, my stepmother said, as she started gathering up her folders containing stacks of papers which had to be graded, later that evening.

My stepmother was a teacher.  She recently retired after twenty-five years teaching in the parish school district, but before her retirement she taught at the ONLY high school in the small city in which we lived. That was good, sometimes, but mostly it was bad.

After school, I rode a bus about two blocks to her school and she was always the last teacher to leave.

I was slow, as usual, to get my things together.  I hated going to Baton Rouge.  We went to Baton Rouge every single day, or at least, it seemed like it to me.

There were many reasons why I hated going to Baton Rouge, not the least of which was the fact that my stepmother drove a 1985 Ford Ranger, specially equipped with NO RADIO.  Seriously, she really, honestly, literally did not want a radio in her vehicle.

To this day, that haunts me…like… I am a strange person, but….that’s fucking strange, even to me.

Besides the Ford Ranger being almost as tiny as a go-kart, once my step-mom, my little sister and myself were inside, the Ranger was filled to capacity, even though two of us were children.  I am not saying my step-mom was fat, I’m saying the truck was freaking small.

I don’t know about you, but I am a person who easily gets carsick.  The tendency towards vehicular nauseousness has decreased with age, but when I was a kid, I hated just about every car ride I took for that reason.

Did I mention my step-mom chain smokes worse than a repentant hooker, fresh-off-da-crack, who is trying to change her ways, sitting on the back pew of her married boyfriend’s church on Sunday morning, listening to him preach?

There was no rolling down the windows in that tiny 1985 Ford Ranger, either.  Even though I knew the answer would always be, “NO!”, everyday I would ask, “can I please crack my window a little bit?”

My stepmother said if I cracked the window it would “blow her hair”.

Whatever that meant…

Speaking of hair, this was the day that my loving step-mother took me, unannounced, to the beauty shop and had the stylist (back then they were called beauticians) cut all of my hair cut right off my pretty little head.

I had no idea what was about to happen. I know it was traumatic for me because once we got to the beauty shop, the memory stops, and my memory never stops.

Nobody’s memory ever actually “stops”, but I have a very uncanny long-term memory.  I remember everything, especially from childhood, in pictures, or, if you will, movies.  I can click on a memory like you would click on a movie you’d like to see on Netflix.

I can remember every outfit I wore to school on the first day from first to twelfth.  I can remember ninth grade french class ‘dialogue’ (and I employ it from time to time).  I can remember the song that was playing on the radio when me and my step-mom got into a fender-bender when I was three, “Sailing”, by *Christopher Cross.  I can also remember the name of the guy who hit us, *Charles Gardner.  I have memories from before I could walk and I have scars to prove they are real memories.

As I remember things, though, I have surmised that my brain hides the especially bad memories where I can’t find them.

I went to school that morning with long, beautiful, chestnut brown hair and I came home with a bowl cut which was level with my ears.

I was only seven, that was my very first haircut and there’s so much more to go.

Another One Bites The Dust

One, two, buckle my shoe

three, four, close the door

five, six I don’t need any dicks

seven, eight nor to masturbate

nine, ten I’ve done it again

…another one bites the dust.

Even If It Hurts

you can’t hurt me.

try.

you can’t.

I wish you could.

I think it would be nice to feel something…

even if it hurts…