I should eat but I don’t
I should care but I won’t
I should cry but I’m not
I should die but I got
This strength inside of me that i wish wasnt there…it keeps me alive even when my heart’s got a tear so big and so wide that I should’ve bled and died but I’m still here standing….what is that about?
Men who take my kids and use them as a pawn in a wicked game of chess they made up all along…my arms are getting sore from playing all this pong…that they call chess cause they’re stupid and ignorant and think they are the best. .
And yes they are the best at destroying fucking lives, narcissism rampant and it feels like fucking knives going straight into my heart….the muscle torn apart but ever from the start it just…..keeps. …on……beating
tonight I scaled a bridge it was a thing I’ve never done I went straight to the top the climbing wasn’t all that fun but I knew that I had won when I arrived at destination I had much appreciation f or the thing crossed off my bucket list with little hesitation.
the climb was not real planned I decided just this morning to climb my states fourth highest bridge with almost zero warning. I guess the reason was that I got a little jealous to see the pics of meemoos on it and damn it made me zealous
the climb was really scary but around my neck a fairy that bottle of dust was a must to stifle some the worry. but I knew before I got there that I really had no fear because the simple truth is I won’t die as much as I sometimes care
I now think it funny how I never thought of jumping, not one time did it cross my mind while so high with heart all thumping.
but I sure could have….
I’m about to say something that people aren’t going to like. But, hear me out. Been living in a small camper with no cable and an antenna which only catches one channel. WVLA, NBC 33. So,I’ve watched a lot of Ellen for the past several months. I used to love Ellen, even tried to win 12 days a few times. However, in watching Ellen so much, I couldn’t help but to notice a few things.
Ellen only displays about 2 emotions which are happiness and sarcasm which is a cousin of anger. Even when she has guests on with extremely emotionally charged stories, she only displays one or both of the aforementioned emotions.
She’s completely narcissistic…name dropping so much I want to puke and her latest gig as of some time before Christmas is to fly in one of her loyal worshippers, who would probably give a kidney just to meet her, much less, be featured on her show, to be featured on her show.
She then takes her loyal subject and puts (usually an unsuspecting female) into a contraption like a plexiglass box and humiliate the subject by throwing nasty shit all over her or dump water all over her, in the guise of “playing a cute game”
To add insult to injury, when she gives the subject her shitty prize, which Ellen did not buy, herself, Ellen then gives the whole audience, the same audience who laughed at the subjects network TV humiliation, THE SAME PRIZE.
call me crazy, say I’m wrong….but watch a few days yourself. Today she humiliated a fat Latino kid who was like 12 and couldn’t speak English and then gifted him with an ELLEN SUITCASE.
#1 What 12 year old wants a suit case from Ellen?
#2 What 12year old wants to be gifted with a suitcase?
#3 What adult wants a suitcase from Ellen?
#4 What was the real message giving a non English speaking Latino child a suitcase?
#I FUCKING HATE CHILDREN USED AS PAWNS, political or domestic, BE ASHAMED.
about four months ago I got me a job, a job that I like a job that makes me go to bed early at night. Never before have I kept one this long, except for the kind that require a thong. and now that I’m cozy climbing that ladder, a curve ball was thrown to make it all shatter. You see my dilemma and it’s not just my own I lost the only real insurance i’ve known since when I was a teen and living at home.
I had no idea this day would come and I tell you what, it’s got me numb. I have a few issues that I cannot afford, the price of my meds are a thing to abhor….but I need them to live and my employer wont seem to give me way in to his group policy.
I thought, oh well, I have money, so look here sonny, I don’t need your group, I’ll just go buy my piece of honey and then when I called I was surely appalled at this communist thing called obamacare.
Obama says November through January are those times of year which are very special, and to be clear, the reasons might make you fear because if you were like me, obliviously coasting along singing your sweet little song not paying attention to what could be wrong with the system we voted for but do not belong and happened to fall into a big rut and get yourself cut from the insurance you had cause the premiums went up… don’t worry about buying yourself a new plan, unless when you do it’s not past the span of the dates I mentioned before…cause come February 1, no money in the land will get you in the door, you WILL settle for medicaid and not a fucking thing more.
so many times i like to stay up alone and play on my phone almost never interacting cause i surely end attacking some poor lonely dude just trying to talk with no tact at all and i take it the wrong way and then i react with the burning hot fury of a thousand dying suns and nobody cares cause they know i’m not one they care to fuck with but then I pull a will smith and I become legend while I lean off of the edge and I realize that my name is not known all that well and that makes me jump back from the pit of hell the fire is hot but not yet i am not ready to go cause there’s yet so many here to show what i got…
what i got aint alot it’s really quite small and now you’ll hear my prefrontal cortex speak it’s not me not at all. ive tried my whole life to just shut that bitch down but that bitch got my throat and now im the clown…and i’m in a small car that I don’t want to drive with about six or 7 big tall lady guys all dressed in suits made of primary colors and yeah how they laugh but they hate one another and while they are laughing get stabbed in the back by their very best friend such a vicious attack but it’s all okay in their urban decay and their mac and their fucking too faced smashbox brigade.
ok…I’m now back to me and I can see that this e tv is not for me. Id rather the forensic files put in piles for me to swallow won’t be so hollow as the shit that’s on and everyone follows.
I’ve never been a leader or a follower, i’ve always been a swallower…to be honest.
just taking it in, with much chagrin and always much to my displeasure.
But see now I’m almost to the end of my life, I’ll never again be anyone’s wife, or anyone’s friend so a bitch cannot grin while I’m pulling that knife…and I’m honestly thankful to not do that again…I’ve had enough…this life has been rough and quite thankfully few were the cuffs that bound my arms and my legs but they still clamped down on my head and honestly if i could go back and choose which one I’d lose…
I’d guess it’d be my freedom cause to do it again, I won’t pretend that my heart I would refuse.
I need to go to bed but I’ve stayed up all night, got plans for tomorrow which are so outta sight…but now I realize that tomorrow is today and I’m getting so tired hoping it’s not last friday when i almost got fired cause I stayed up all night .
I realize I am a paranoid motherfucker. I get it. But when too many things happen that let you know that you know that you know that your every move is being watched….omg…it becomes unnerving.
Like it lets me know that I’m not overly paranoid.
I got you.
if you’re watching this, like you watch my fb and my ig and my everything else…just KNOW that you KNOW that I KNOW.
ONLY A MATTER OF TIME…
…i get my thang in action.
Here’s the definition of irony: My blog actually making me more money than my YT channel…the channel I want to say I’ve thrown my heart and soul into….but…um…I think that would be a lie.
I actually throw way more soul into this unkempt blog.
When I feel like writing, I write.
With the channel, I’m watching the analytics and seeing graphs and charts and shit and I’m like, OMG….I GOT TO MAKE A VIDEO, I GOT TO MAKE A VIDEO….
This blog is so much more relaxed, and I love that. But ironically…I tell just as much or more truth, albeit in a fucked up dysfunctional way, on my channel. I have many fans (mostly people on the list that goes out to the neighborhoods) on YT, and those fans are accruing me money. But more than that, I get to tell my story to those, WHO HAVE AN EAR TO HEAR, not to judge, will get.
I do not breastfeed at all.
The truth is, my breasts wouldn’t make enough milk to feed my own children longer than 2 weeks. I even rented the expensive pumps, and everything. I never could breastfeed.
all alone I am teaching myself to stop being paranoid stop being so afraid…
Athena, you’re so bright they got to throw shade
but my positiveness helps not one little bit
cause I become afraid and I turn into shit
I become catatonic
from drinking the tonic
that’s laced with the juice
that was loosed from a goose….
and that goose is me
who was once the ugly duckling
my mommy was gone
so i had no suckling