azazel

Barefoot

Dropping the weights, the load’s getting lighter..I’m getting monkeys from off of my back….
it’s been quite a struggle, as I’ve had to muddle, barefoot on hot coals with no lack.

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Jesus didn’t make me a rocket scientist

“If I can’t have all of you, I don’t want none of you” -athenaswickedowl

I don’t have Instagram anymore, to scroll through and look at people’s pictures…people I don’t even really know, and whose pictures I don’t even really like.  I just like them, anyway, to ‘pay it forward’ or whatever that dumb shit is that only about 1% of the population really does.

What’s funny is that even though I’m liking their pictures that I don’t even really like, they’re not liking any of my pictures they don’t even really like…and that pisses me off.

Why can’t I just not like any of their pictures I don’t even fucking like?

BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND THAT PEOPLE POST SHIT BECAUSE THEY WANT IT TO BE LIKED OR THEY WOULDN’T HAVE FUCKING POSTED IT.

Jesus….he didn’t even make me a rocket scientist…

One Single Tear: A Nightmare

I just want to write tonight.  I can’t sleep.  Lord knows I have been doing a whole lot of that this week.  I slept so much I found out that my kidneys are not working while I drink. Yet̷…

Source: One Single Tear: A Nightmare

Love the sheep….positive affirmations

I am worthy I am capable, I am  strong and I am able to do anything at all  put in front of me …no matter how hard it seems or how it overwhelms me… in through the nose and out through the mouth there is never any need for my soul to ever doubt. I am powerful intelligent and  I love like Aphrodite  I am positive in all I do I am centered I’m not flighty I will maybe sometime stumble but never will I fall I am tall and I see the wall that I easily can Crush I can hit that wall once and with my pinky I will push every brick in that wall right to the ground love is the only true answer that I have found.  I  can fly with my wings and use my fins for the Deep, and I can be a wolf but still love the sheep

My Beautiful Shoulders

I know you didn’t ask…but this is how I feel:

I feel beat down.  I feel like every time I think I have gotten ahead, life grabs me by the neck and yanks me back behind everyone else.  I feel like I am always utterly truthful with everyone I know and the sentiment is rarely returned, especially when it’s wanted and needed the most.  I feel like I know I love you but I don’t know how to proceed at this point because anything going forward from here will be an act of will on my part to be the bigger person.  I feel tired of being the bigger person.  I feel tired of being the smaller person.  I feel tired of being a person.

I feel tired of being thrown under the bus.  I feel tired of always being “do or die” when it seems to me I’m always left for dead. I’m tired of feeling betrayed, hurt, lied to, abused, taken advantage of, and called out of my name.

I am sick to death of being slandered and jumped and having the cops called on me.

I am sick to death of always having to look over my shoulder.  I have good shoulders….I shouldn’t have to always fucking look over them….maybe that’s how I know how beautiful they are.

I feel like saying “FUCK YOU” to the Golden Rule, thermodynamics, Karma, the Law of Sewing and Reaping OR WHATEVER ANYONE WANTS TO CALL IT.

I feel like telling a small list of people that this is exactly how “going postal” happens.

(tears)

Pray this novena 9 times for 9 days. This is a miracle prayer which never fails.Novena To
St. JudeMost holy Apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus,  the Church honors and invokes you universally, as the patron of difficult  cases, of things almost despaired of, Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone.
Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help where help is  almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive  the consolation and help of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and  sufferings, particularly –
being so confused…not knowing where to go, feeling like I have no home because I don’t…scared to live but scared to die….being hated by people who hate solely on hatred fueled by jealousy…why they are jealous, I will never know….losing my one true love….not being able to trust….attracting those whom my subconscious knows will lie to me, cheat on me and fuck me over….bless my babies….let them know if I cant do this anymore and I go to always be strong and do for themselves AND NEVER FORGET YAH and always, always, ALWAYS KNOW HOW MUCH MOMMY LOVES EACH AND EVERY ONE OF MY FIVE.
– and that I may praise  God with you and all the saints forever. I promise, O Blessed St. Jude, to be  ever mindful of this great favor granted me by God and to always honor you as  my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you.
Amen

Home is just a fucking word

I need to go home but that’s just a word and it’s also the place where my best friend is.

My best friend is my dog and I feel bad for leaving him at his home all alone because I don’t want to go to that place and nobody wants him at their place not that anybody invited me to that place that they didn’t invite my dog.

Just Wondering

Is it that I became lonely or was I always lonely and didn’t realize it? I also wonder if it is that I prefer being lonely but won’t say that out loud because that’s a really emo thing to say….

chickenegg

Am I staying up all night getting in fights going to jail losing my job because I am off of my meds or am I off of my meds so I can stay up all night getting in fights going to jail losing my job?

Cause You Are

I keep losing at 8-ball pool but i keep playing anyway I’m listening to Tool cause this sunny day was a rainy day I gotta lotta thoughts i wanna say but my demons and angels keep getting in the way  that sounded like shit and i just want to quit bullshitting around at this night’s last sip no it’s really not the last sip of the ship that is going down flaming while i do a backflip i just lied again because I can’t do a gymnastic i took lessons one time and i loved that shit but dad thought it not so fantastic he told me i would end my life by breaking my neck a mop he gave me told me to sweep up his deck….i love being punny because i think that  its funny and i love to laugh in my belly when things are smelly and putrid and rotting and the whole thing that i call my world is twisting and turning and i know im a girl or a woman i suppose i love to cover my face in panty hose and pretend im a rob ya and rape ya and say that i got ya cause you suck balls and i don’t like you but i want you to love me and think that I’m awesome as gold wait til you see how my life will unfold, so far it’s been bad with some sprinkles of good when Im doing the things they say that i should but when the words in their mouth don’t match the words in their motions it causes my heart to feel some emotion and the emotion is anger cause that’s the one i’m best at I can cuss you up one side then this side and that and sound like my old favorite doctor who is doctor suess many times in my life dr suess has been my muse especially right now tool still playing in my ear and all that I hear is vicarious  so near but I’m not queer cause you are.