ptsd

all night pt 2…my heart I would refuse

so many times i like to stay up alone and play on my phone almost never interacting cause i surely end attacking some poor lonely dude just trying to talk with no tact at all and i take it the wrong way and then i react with the burning hot fury of a thousand dying suns and nobody cares cause they know i’m not one they care to fuck with but then I pull a will smith and I become legend while I lean off of the edge and I realize that my name is not known all that well and that makes me jump back from the pit of hell the fire is hot but not yet i am not ready to go cause there’s yet so many here to show what i got…

what i got aint alot it’s really quite small and now you’ll hear my prefrontal cortex speak it’s not me not at all. ive tried my whole life to just shut that bitch down but that bitch got my throat and now im the clown…and i’m in a small car that I don’t want to drive with about six or 7 big tall lady guys all dressed in suits made of primary colors and yeah how they laugh but they hate one another and while they are laughing get stabbed in the back by their very best friend such a vicious attack but it’s all okay in their urban decay and their mac and their fucking too faced smashbox brigade.

ok…I’m now back to me and I can see that this e tv is not for me. Id rather the forensic files put in piles for me to swallow won’t be so hollow as the shit that’s on and everyone follows.

I’ve never been a leader or a follower, i’ve always been a swallower…to be honest.

just taking it in, with much chagrin and always much to my displeasure.

But see now I’m almost to the end of my life, I’ll never again be anyone’s wife, or anyone’s friend so a bitch cannot grin while I’m pulling that knife…and I’m honestly thankful to not do that again…I’ve had enough…this life has been rough and quite thankfully few were the cuffs that bound my arms and my legs but they still clamped down on my head and honestly if i could go back and choose which one I’d lose…

I’d guess it’d be my freedom cause to do it again, I won’t pretend that my heart I would refuse.

Burned

There once was a girl named Sary, her legs had become very hairy. But she gave not one care about the overgrowth of hair because life had become much too scary.

Sary suffered from major depression, and it frequently caused great aggression, when those she attracted always reacted with some form of psychotic oppression.

Sary got older in life, and realized her time as a wife was over before it began, the time made of sand, worrying about all of the strife.

The lesson here to be learned is to try not to be too concerned, with what others think, you will just smell the stink and like Sary feel nothing but burned.

Gone

I have been very sick lately.

It has been awful.

The anxiety is so thick that if I could remove it from my body, put it in a pot and cook it on the stove, it would make a sturdy roux, but it would taste like straight fuck.

I feel like I am losing my mind at a very rapid pace.

Too much change going on….

I suppose I do not handle change well, anymore.

I used to be able to deal with it, well, in my twenties. Back then, my life was nothing but constant change. But then I got settled down and in and it felt good. I got used to the monotony of doing the same things every day.

I got used to be being a mom, a damn good one. I got used to taking care of my family. I got used to washing dishes and clothes and cooking supper and cleaning the kitchen.

Then one day, everything was gone.

Everyone was gone.

Barefoot

Dropping the weights, the load’s getting lighter..I’m getting monkeys from off of my back….
it’s been quite a struggle, as I’ve had to muddle, barefoot on hot coals with no lack.

Apollo

The alcohol is tearing my stomach up but that doesn’t matter while I fill up my cup

childhood demons coming  hard and fast don’t know how much longer I can last

everywhere I go the trouble seems to follow I put on my nikes and run like Apollo

I wanna get away I don’t want to wallow and the  pill life gives I don’t wanna swallow

so here I am and I’m stuck like stupid because I let an arrow from  cupid

hit my heart in the weakest spot, and now that bitch got me in a headlock

I’m at jesus door going  KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK,  answer the door please don’t keep it locked.

I’m standing out here in the pouring ass rain and I hate that I am here once again

it seems like all I feel is nothing but shame, and that is a feeling so loaded with pain

I look all around for someone to blame

I look all around for someone to blame

but they’re gone, not coming back, and now I  feel an anxiety attack

coming to hit me always from the back rubbing my nose in all that I lack

 

waiting waiting waiting for an answer

Jesus please come cure this cancer

it’s eating me up from the inside out

even though I keep pulling out the seeds of doubt

waiting waiting waiting for an answer

Jesus please come cure this cancer

it’s eating me up from the inside out

even though I keep pulling out the seeds of doubt

 

I have to believe it only seems like i’m failing

when the truth is that I am probably sailing

across every ocean always prevailing

even when life seems so unavailing

I am a tough ass bitch this I do know

lemons in my garden are the only thing that grow

eyes all burning but I go with the flow

except I do it backwards, it’s part of my show

One day I will finish this lifetime race

running to the goal of unfettered grace

Jesus in my pocket HE IS MY ACE

it’s hard to believe he hasn’t turned his face

I feel so worthless most of the time

blaming myself for my father’s crimes

but then the wind blows and I can hear the chimes

and the slow still voice points out the landmines

beloved run here, don’t run there

the mothafucking landmines are everywhere

watch where you step, walk with care

and when you feel lonely find the sun and just stare

fuck whose watching…why the fuck care?

if you feel shame just let down your hair

and know they’re all numbered, my dear Sarah

I love all my children but you are fairer

keep that thought close in your desolate land

while you know you can always take my hand

I’ll walk you through the valleys of sand

and Ill get you to the promised land

keep your chin up while you get a tan

the place I am taking you is fucking grand

I tell no lies, I AM the Son of man

I tell no lies, I Am the Son of man

 

waiting waiting waiting for an answer

Jesus please come cure this cancer

it’s eating me up from the inside out

even though I keep pulling out the seeds of doubt

waiting waiting waiting for an answer

Jesus please come cure this cancer

it’s eating me up from the inside out

even though I keep pulling out the seeds of doubt

waiting waiting waiting for an answer

Jesus please come cure this cancer

it’s eating me up from the inside out

even though I keep pulling out the seeds of doubt

waiting waiting waiting for an answer

Jesus please come cure this cancer

it’s eating me up from the inside out

even though I keep pulling out the seeds of doubt

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not Now, nor, forevermore

It makes me mad that I have to watch my back when I walk out my back door to let my dog go pee.

Seriously….I don’t think you know the struggle.

It’s like this everywhere I move.

Now…one might say, “Well, Athena, don’t you think since it happens everywhere you move, that it is possible that YOU ARE THE PROBLEM?

Yeah….I get that.

But the problem is, they do shit FIRST, and so my actions are a fucking REACTION.

And yes…I do realize that neither the black neighbors, nor the white ones, were expecting the reaction they received from their own actions…

NEVERTHELESS….

I put up with way too much shit as a youngster, to take any now.

So fuck them all.

I am the sweetest, most forgiving, loving ASS MEAN BITCH YOU WILL EVER WISH YOU NEVER MET.

Low

Oh my God, I hate being low, when I was younger I stayed doing blow, so I didn’t even know that reason I stayed on “GO” was a subconscious attempt at not being low.

I always stayed high with wings that would fly down though the pits of hell then back up to the sky and I remember asking, “why?” because being high all the time still made me cry (but only on the inside)

Now years have passed and though sometimes I ask I really do pass on the hard drugs.

I just drink the liquor, and my body is getting sicker but thing is…this week, I didn’t even drink and I’m still fucking low and I still want to go and I don’t want to leave my bed so yes, I do know, that I am sick in the head.

Will this ever end?  When did it begin?  When I lost my mom the first time?  Or when it happened again?

 

Red Rover

I posted this one a year ago…I suppose I’ve made a modicum of progress since then…

Athena's Wicked Owl

Just my normal fucking chaos, that’s all it really is…Like a Nathan’s fucking hot dog with some mustard and some jizz.  I got a mean ass voice all in my fucking head…telling me go fuck myself, you really should be dead….I’m in the ring and fighting that bitch sounding so much like myself and I’m sick of hearing her voice that bitch is fucking with my health…If only she could do something productive with herself….i HATE THAT BITCH; I FUCKING HATE HER TAKE HER OUT OF ME…I swear to Christ she needs to go cause I can hardly fucking breathe.  I’m almost fucking 40 and there’s been no damn reprieve; this demon spawn has stole my soul just like a fucking thief.

I know God fucking hears me and he’s been listening my whole life…watching and he’s laughing as I struggle being (wife)…a mother, a sister and a fucking goddamn…

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Bullet Train Derailment

My mood plummeted last night.  It wasn’t the best yesterday, but as soon as night fell, my mood became extremely murky and dark and thick and very uncomfortable and it was really hard moving through it.

I feel better today and now I am trying to pinpoint the cause of the crash.  I tried to pinpoint last night but the muck was much too deep.  It was all I could do just trying to stay in my skin.

Most of it was anxiety, I guess.

I am, currently, and have been living between two houses for the last several months.

I have been in a relationship for approximately the last three and a half years.

I have been possessed in my current body for two score and 21 days, and in that time I have only had three long-term relationships with men.  The first one lasted about four years, and bore one child.  The second one lasted about six years, and bore 3 children. During that particular relationship, he was not with me, emotionally, for any of it, and was only present, physically, 2 years.

After number 2, even though I had really given up on the idea of loving or being loved by a man, I accidentally fell in love.

This time was different.  The love was reciprocal.  I knew it, I could feel it, and it was was like nothing I had ever experienced before, in my life.  I loved someone who actually loved me back…wow.  I could not say ‘no’ to it, no matter how hard I tried, and even a year into the relationship, I was still trying, and I am still trying.

Now, the ability to say ‘no’ and “turning it off” have become easier because the cracks in his honesty, that I knew were somewhere in there, albeit hidden well, have finally begun to show.

I am an honest person.  It came naturally, at first, and I lost it during adolescence and my teen years until I was about 24 years old.  I was heavy on drugs, homeless, squatting from one house, to the next with very few possessions, and those factors are what possessed my mind to stop lying.  I realized that I had so little, that the little I had, I wanted to keep, and I knew in my soul, that the only way to keep those things was to stop taking things from others.

Yeah, I used to steal and lie, and I was actually really fucking good at it.

Back to topic….you gotta watch me…I’ll go off a track faster than the Bullet Train, if it were bombed.

….one day I’m gonna ride the Bullet Train in Japan….

So, anyway, I stopped lying more than 15 years ago.

When a person doesn’t lie, over time, I believe they develop the ability to become a human lie detector…or maybe I always have been…I don’t know.  What I do know is that I know when someone is lying to me.

And that’s all I want to say about this right now because sharing feelings is hard for me, but I’m working on it.

I also know that anyone who is interested in reading this blog, probably has a short attention span.