sad

Change is hard sometimes, most of the time, actually.

After four years I changed the background, the fonts, the size of the fonts, the arrangement of the pages of this blog and….eh…idk.

I’m probably gonna change it back.

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It is 3:48 a.m. on a weekend morning.  I’m not sure if it’s Sunday or Monday but it doesn’t really matter because every day is Sunday or MOnday to me.

For the past couple of months I have been in a stupendous depression.  I am not really sure what caused it but I suppose about two or three variables that could be involved.

Me and him have not spoken all week.  I’m sure to hear it told to one of his buddies out of his own mouth it would sound like chinese to me.  None of it would be intelligible, that is  unless I spoke Mandarin or Cantonese….and you never know, one of those is on my bucket list.

I had my first sip of drink in over a week earlier this evening.  I say “this evening” but I think the sip which was granted to me as a full-fledged DRINK was poured after midnight.

I ain’t drunk.

I ain’t buzzed.

Nothing.

it’s 4:10 a.m. now.

I am not mad about being ignored.  I never was.  I did nothing to be ignored.  The only thing I did was ask my partner of 6 years some questions about some weird shit on his bank statement and he made it into a whole thing so he could ignore me, I suppose.

I turned 42 this past Monday.  I have had a pretty strong feeling for several years that life is going to change at 42.  My birthday is 4-2.  If you google forty-two, here’s what you find:  PURE BADDASSERY You’ll also find THIS.

I’ve been so depressed since Christmas I haven’t cared much for hygiene, but on my birthday, since I was being ignored anyway, I took the first selfies I’ve taken in a hundred years.

Wanna see?  I’m gonna show you anyway because clearly I’m sober.

 

Gone

I have been very sick lately.

It has been awful.

The anxiety is so thick that if I could remove it from my body, put it in a pot and cook it on the stove, it would make a sturdy roux, but it would taste like straight fuck.

I feel like I am losing my mind at a very rapid pace.

Too much change going on….

I suppose I do not handle change well, anymore.

I used to be able to deal with it, well, in my twenties. Back then, my life was nothing but constant change. But then I got settled down and in and it felt good. I got used to the monotony of doing the same things every day.

I got used to be being a mom, a damn good one. I got used to taking care of my family. I got used to washing dishes and clothes and cooking supper and cleaning the kitchen.

Then one day, everything was gone.

Everyone was gone.

Barefoot

Dropping the weights, the load’s getting lighter..I’m getting monkeys from off of my back….
it’s been quite a struggle, as I’ve had to muddle, barefoot on hot coals with no lack.

Mean Pirate

Depression is a murderer and a thief.

Depression is a pirate who plunders.

Depression is more than just grief;

Depression makes sunny skies into thunders.

Depression is a deep, dark pit.

Depression is a stagnant cloud overhead.

Depression makes one to sit;

Depression is either a constant or a non-usable bed.

Depression propels questions such as “why?”

Depression breeds contempt and shame

Depression breaks wings made to fly

Depression makes every day the same.

 

Depression is making me die.

Alone

20121213_194943 - CopyI am so angry right now.

I am so full of all kinds of mixed up emotions and I don’t know what to do with them.

I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY.

There is no point in me trying to love anyone.  IT DOESN’T WORK.

IT DOESN’T WORK

IT DOESN’T WORK

IT DOESN’T WORK

Why can’t I get that through my ratchet ass brain?

I AM MEANT TO BE ALONE.

I have known that from jump, but like my diagnoses, I refuse to comply.

Well, you know what, I am hereby compliant to the “DO IT ALONE” sentence.

….and I’m still gonna refuse the bipolar medication.

P.S.  I HEART KID CUDI

Feelings

I want to put into words my feelings about losing my children.  I really, really want to do it.

This is really, really hard because in order to put my feelings into words, I’m going to actually have to feel the feelings that I refuse to feel and  just thinking about feeling the feelings I refuse to feel is making feel way too much already and the tears are already welling up in my eyes and I hate that feeling.

I hate feelings.

However…

This is my goal and I WILL ACHIEVE IT.

…but maybe not today.

YouTube

Yep…FIXING TO TOTALLY BRAG SO CLOSE YO EARS IF YOU DON’T LIKE BRAGGING….

My modest little silly YouTube channel I started back in 2012,or around that time, has

ONE MILLION, SIX THOUSAND AND SEVENTY TWO VIEWS

….my other channel under my real name, with all the same videos (that someone else actually owns) has over a million views, too….actually, I just checked and there is ONE of my vids on the channel I do not own, yet bears my name, with 1,249,818 views….just one of them….(if you are easily offended….lol…that’s actually hilarious to me….anyway…if you are easily offended, please don’t watch).
.https://www.youtube.com/user/MrPortgirlsImage